101 Things the Cullens Are Not Allowed to do
by Ef0818HaleCullen
Summary: A list of things the Cullen kids and Jacob can't do. It's funny, or so i think. Rated T.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N: This might be a one shot, if i come up with more i'll post them.**

101 things the Cullen's are not allowed to do.

_1. You are not allowed to walk around in a custom of your favorite prey and say: "You are what you eat"_

_2. Don't cut Alice's credit cards and blame it on Renesmee…Or Jacob_

"Why can't we blame it on the mutt?" Rosalie hissed annoyed.

"Because why Jacob would cut Alice's credit cards?" Nessie complained throwing her hands up in the air. Rosalie harrumphed.

Alice frowned. "It was so not funny Emmett" She glared at him. Emmett grinned. "I hate last minute decisions" Alice mumbled.

"Ha, in your face Blondie!" Jacob chuckled. Rosalie glared at him.

"Enough!" Carlisle interrupted. "So moving on"

_3. Going around the hospital claiming you hear voices is prohibited. Yes Edward you!_

4. …_or saying you see dead people. Rosalie and Emmett!!!_

Edward snickered. "You have to admit it was funny" Carlisle glared. Alice and Jasper snickered.

"It so was not!"

I laughed. "Rosalie's was pretty funny too"

Rosalie smirked. "The best part is, they actually believed us" Emmett high fived Rosalie and grinned.

"Idiots" Mumbled Esme.

_5. Dressing up as any Harry Potter character is forbidden, people don't appreciate when you mock beloved characters, especially when you say you can "Work your magic 'stick' to perfection'. _

_6. You can't call Alice the 'Pixie of the Underworld'. _

_7. Exchanging Alice's wardrobe with Edward's is not funny! Nessie!_

Nessie laughed. "That was so funny! Aunt Alice's expression was priceless" She high fived Jacob who smirked. Alice glared daggers at them.

"If looks could kill" Jasper mumbled and the snickered.

"Funny?" Edward complained. "I thought Alice had done it! I thought I'd had to walk around in woman's clothes!"

I was laughing so hard that if I were human I'd be out of breath by now.

"I would be afraid if I had to dress up as the pixie of the underworld" Emmett guffawed. Alice smacked Emmett on the back of the head. "Ow!" Emmett complained. Alice stuck her tongue out at him. "Rose she hit me!"

"Serves you right" Rosalie said. I snickered. Emmett pouted.

"Moving on!" Esme said.

_8. Imitating Carlisle's British accent is rude, as well as claiming Jasper is cowboy._

_9. It is absolutely forbidden to say Carlisle is Sherlock Holmes._

_10. Answering Esme's cell phone and saying: "Good afternoon, Esme Cullen; Carlisle's secretary speaking" is forbidden. Yes Alice!_

_11. You can't seduce drunken man on purpose and make them follow you home. Rosalie!!_

_12. Don't feed Jacob hot dogs and then claim he's eating his own wiener._

Rosalie burst out laughing. "Who did that?"

"Jasper" all of us said in unison. Jacob glared. Rosalie high fived Jasper. Nessie rubbed Jacob's arm soothingly but was fighting her giggles.

"Jacob don't be so poignant, we were just jesting with you" Emmett copied Carlisle's accent; a very bad imitation I should say. Rosalie rolled her eyes and Carlisle glared at Emmett.

"Wait" Alice said. We turned to her. "It was Bella the one who answered the phone! Bella, you blamed it on me!" Crap.

Esme turned her head towards me slowly. I gulped. "Isabella Marie Cullen Swan!" My eyes widened. Esme pointed her finger at me which just added to the dramatic effect. "You made me believe it was Alice all along, I punished her for something she didn't do!" I gulped again; Esme was scary when she wanted to.

"There, there Esme" Carlisle said rubbing her back. "You can punish Bella later. So, going back o he list"

_13. Seducing a sales man so he gives you car parts for free is uncalled for. Rosalie yet again._

"Oh come on! I got a 15,000 dollar Ferrari engine for free, besides I didn't hear Bella complain when I told her!" Rosalie said. I shrugged.

Esme shook her head and continued to write.

_14. Telling Alice she was in a "loony bin" is not nice, Emmett._

_15. You can't follow Carlisle around the hospital imitating his every move and word._

_16. Don't go to the mall and burst out singing "Sexy Back" in the middle of the crowded food court._

_17. Stealing Rosalie's magazines, shoes, clothes, or any other personal belonging only makes her furious; you don't want to face Rosalie's wrath._

_18. Reminding Bella she was clumsy during her human life will earn you a punch in the face._

_19. You can't brag about having sex with the most beautiful woman in the world to complete strangers. _

"Aw man!" Emmett complained.

"I'm actually opposing this rule" Rosalie said.

"Suck it up" Esme said, still not over the fact that I was the one who answered the phone.

"But it's not like I'm lying!" Emmett complained again. Rosalie smirked and pecked his cheek.

"Yes Emmett but people don't like it when you point out that you have a hotter wife or girlfriend than they do" Alice said. Emmett sighed and mumbled 'whatever'.

_20. Don't ask Alice what you are going to do in 5 minutes every 5 minutes…especially if she can't see you Jacob and Nessie!_

_21. You can't sign Alice as the fortune teller in the town fair._

"Stupid Edward!" Alice screeched. Edward chuckled. "Do you know how annoying it was when people laughed at my predictions when they were totally true?"

"Well Alice, starting your predictions with the phrase 'I have foreseen' is not exactly something to keep a straight face at" Nessie said. Alice muttered something unintelligible.

"Why did you sign Alice to that in the first place?" I asked Edward.

He smirked. "I made a bet with Jasper"

Alice's eyes widened and she glared at Jasper. "No, sweetie…I lost the bet…I thought I was going to win…don't look at me like that…I'll make it up to you…" Jasper was trying to find the right thing to say to Alice. "You can take me shopping any time you want and I won't complain" Alice's face immediately lit up.

"Ok" she said clapping her hands. Jasper sighed in relief.

_22. Don't go up to people and say look, and then start making out with your respective partner._

_23. Starting a food fight in the mall food court will only get you to get banned from the mall._

_24. Never take Nessie to a strip club!_

"Damn it" Nessie muttered. My eyes widened.

"Who took her to a strip club?" I said in shock. Rosalie looked around and whistled. "Rosalie!"

She bit her lip. "It was Alice's idea!"

"So was not!" Alice complained.

"I don't care who idea it was!" Edward said. "You can't take our daughter to a strip club!"

"Chill Edward she's 18" Emmett and Rosalie said in unison.

"I don't care if she's 18 or 40! If any of you ever take her to another strip club you'll face…" Rosalie looked at me like she was challenging me. I gulped. I started again. "You'll face Edward's double fury!" Rosalie smirked. "And Jacobs!" I added. Rosalie shrugged.

"She enjoyed it" Rose added. I turned to Renesmee; she just bit her lip and looked away.

"What?" She hissed. "I'm a woman!" Jacob pouted. "Maybe if you gave me a strip dance I'll forget about it" Nessie whispered to Jacob. I gagged.

"That was something I absolutely did not want to hear!" Edward and I said at the same time. Jacob chuckled.

_25. Exchanging Bella and Rosalie's clothes with gangster clothes is stupid; you know what happened last time Jasper!_

_26. Don't buy a cat, a dog, a hamster or any animal for that matter._

_27. Calling the author of "Interview with a Vampire" and saying that vampires don't have fangs is rude._

"But we don't!" Alice said.

"It doesn't matter Alice!" Carlisle said. Alice sighed.

_28. Talking in a Transylvanian accent only makes you look foolish._

_29. Never call Carlisle Doctor Fang._

_30. Hacking the FBI's files and exchanging them to work curriculums can get you arrested._

_31. Never buy a gun and shoot each other for fun._

"Damn" Jasper and Emmett said. "But nothing happens; the bullet just gets crushed to powder!"

"But it calls attention from other people!" Esme said.

_32. Never ever call Rosalie Ro-Ro, or Rosa, or any other nickname that's not Rose, or in Emmett's case Rosie._

_33, Banning Gossip Girl from the TV get's Alice and Rosalie in a bad mood._

"Ugh, but I hate that show!" Edward complained. "And I have to listen to it every Monday at eight!"

"Sucks for you!" Alice and Rosalie said at the same time.

"Because of you I missed the last episode; it was torture Edward, torture!" Alice said dramatically. Edward sighed and shook his head.

_34. Never call Mike Newton imitating Jessica's voice claiming you're not over him._

_35. Using Emmett as a punching bag is uncalled for._

_36. Arranging the family's clothes by color, size, and brand is creepy._

"It's not fair!" Alice cried. "Rosalie was perfectly fine with it!"

"Yes, Rosalie not the rest of us" Nessie said. Alice sighed and muttered something that sounded like 'ungrateful people without fashion sense' under her breath.

_37. Going up to people and talking to them in a different language only get's them annoyed, especially when you use Bulgarian, Russian, German, and Pig Latin._

_38. Don't go up to people saying you are smarter than them; they don't like it._

_39. Never write on the blank wall of the mall: Cullen's rule and Rosalie is too sexy for her shirt. This goes for Emmett!_

_40. Don't lock Alice and Bella in the same room with the song "I Kissed a Girl" and expect them to kiss each other; it's not going to happen_.

"I swear I was scarred for life" Bella said. Alice nodded agreeing with me. "Whose idea was it anyways?" Jasper and Edward looked at each other. Alice and I glared at our respective husbands.

_41. Don't dress up as a gangster and claim you're 50 cent, people won't believe you._

_42. Telling Nessie she can't get a pedigree because she's a half breed is rude._

_43. Then claim Jacob can't either because he's also a half breed._

_44. Poke any member of the family constantly until you annoy them so much you get thrown against a wall._

_45. Waking up Nessie yelling: "Wii tournament!" at 3 am makes her cracky, don't do it!_

"It's not our fault she sleeps like a freaking bear in winter!" Jasper said. Alice smirked.

"It was 3 in the morning!" Nessie complained and Jacob rubbed her back. "I was having a nice dream"

"What were you dreaming about huh?" Emmett asked wiggling his eyebrows. Nessie bit her lip.

"I um…well…None of your business!"

Another thing I definitely didn't need to head. Edward cringed on his chair and turned back to the list.

_46. Keep your thoughts PG-13 rated when you're around Edward._

_47. Don't force any of the guys to watch "Mean Girls" with you._

_48. Don't sign up for WWE tournaments._

"Aw man!" Emmett complained again. Esme shook her head.

_49. Do not rearrange the furniture claiming you're doing Fen Shui when you're only doing it to piss Esme off._

_50. Don't go to the hospital and burst in the emergency room while Carlisle is at work, claiming you have a no-no and that you want a band aid around your finger._

Rosalie giggled. "That was funny"

Carlisle harrumphed. "People made fun of me for three months Rosalie!"

Rosalie smirked and nudged me playfully. I laughed.

_51. Do not play Monopoly, Rosalie get's pissed off when Alice steals her money._

_52. Do not fight over the money bag piece when playing monopoly! There are other pieces you can play with._

_53. Painting Edward's Volvo pink and blaming it on Nessie is stupid, Edward can read your mind._

_54. No blonde jokes._

"Damn!" Jacob said. "I had a new one, how do you call four blondes in a row?"

Rosalie glared and gave Jacob the finger. Jacob snickered. "Does she know it?" He asked Edward. Edward shook his head. "An empty tunnel"

Rosalie growled.

"Hey" Jasper said. "I'm blonde too, a little respect" Carlisle nodded. Jacob snickered.

"No blonde jokes!" Esme told Jacob.

_55. Never dress Jasper in leather pants and claim that since he's from the south cowboys wear leather all the time._

_56. Dancing "Crank Dat" in the living room is prohibited; Emmett broke the unique China Vase last time._

_57. Don't hum the Jaw's theme song every time Rosalie enters a room Jacob!_

58. "_Sexy, Naughty, Bitchy Me" is not Rosalie's favorite song, quit pointing it out!_

"I thought it was" Alice snickered. Rosalie rolled her eyes.

"Is not"

"Is too"

"Shut up!" Carlisle said.

"Rosalie is not bitchy!" Emmett complained. We all looked at him. "What?"

"What about the other words?" I asked,

"She is sexy and she is naughty, very naughty" Emmett said winking at Rosalie. Rosalie giggled. We all gagged.

"Next" Esme said.

_59. Don't sign Alice to a session for "Shopaholics Anonymous" even though she is a shopaholic._

_60. Don't call Jasper or Edward emo; they are not even remotely close to being emo._

_61. Do not claim Bella is Bellatrix Lestrange from Harry Potter just because they have the same nickname._

_62. Edward is not Cedric Diggory!_

_63. Muttering "Says the mind reader" after everything Edward says gets annoying._

_64. Don't run around the mall with the British flag wrapped around your waist claiming 'You're trying to get to your British side to be more like Carlisle'_

"On my defense I only did that once" Edward said. I laughed.

"You were escorted to Mall security and you were arrested for disturbing the peace" Esme said glaring at him. Edward snickered and shrugged.

_65. Don't complain that Gossip Girl's Serena is not the most beautiful woman in the world, ergo, Rosalie, don't complain Blake Lively is not pretty enough to be Serena. _

_66. Play all the keys of Edward's piano back and forth for 4 hours straight._

_67. Singing the phrase 'and I jizzed in my pants' every time Rosalie walks into a room is pathetic Emmett._

_68. Super glue bear fur on Jacob when he's sleeping will cause Nessie to get mad at you._

"It took three hours of pain to get the fur off my body! Three hours!" Jacob whimpered. Nessie patted his back. Emmett and Edward smirked at each other. I rolled my eyes.

_69. Don't wear a tux on a random day claiming you're a 'Vampire Penguin'_

_70. Don't play Jeopardy; the last time we played it lasted 5 days straight._

_71. Don't Jump in front of Rosalie with a cross and throw holy water at her yelling: "The power of Christ compels you!"_

Rosalie snorted. "Pathetic"

Jacob rolled his eyes. "It was a joke!"

"It was insulting!" Rosalie said. Jacob shrugged.

"It was worth a try"

Nessie smacked Jacob's arm and he winced. "Good it hurt" Nessie said. Rosalie grinned.

_72. Whenever a family member speaks don't say 'and how does that make you feel?' That goes for you Jasper._

_73. Don't claim the first Thursday of each month to be "Naked Thursday" when you're the only one walking around naked._

_74. Don't make drum roll sounds every time Bella is going to say something._

"Hey! That's my way of announcing mom's going to speak!" Nessie complained. I pointed my finger at her.

"Listen young lady, you respect your mother!" I said. Edward chuckled.

"You better listen to your mom Nessie" Edward said. Nessie rolled her eyes.

_75. Write a litter to the Volturi telling Heidi that Rosalie is prettier than her, even though it's true._

76. …_Or to Jane claiming Alice looks more angelical than her._

_77. Street racing is absolutely forbidden!_

"Why?" Rosalie complained.

"Because it's not fair, it's technically cheating!" Carlisle said.

"Yeah, but they don't know I have heightened senses!"

"Exactly my point, they're never going to beat you"

Rosalie sighed and rolled her eyes.

_78. Never call the Volturi telling them to change their current cable plan to Verizon._

79. …_Or claiming they won the lottery; Aro only believed that once._

_80. Don't answer your cell phones saying: "Good afternoon, Domino's pizza, what can I do for you?"_

_81. Every time a teacher says the South lost the war don't give them the finger or randomly yell: "The South forever!" while standing up on your desk. Jasper, you know it's for you._

_82. Don't call Carlisle 'Carlizzle ma nizzle'_

_83. Don't teach people to pronounce Carlisle's name as: Carr-Lees-Lay._

"The nurses at the hospital kept calling me like that for weeks Bella!" Carlisle complained. I snickered.

_84. Claiming that the reason Emmett is so big is because he takes steroids is rude and uncalled for; people actually believed it._

_85. Hold Alice's Porsche keys over your head and say: "You want them Shorty? Jump for them". You know she'll be able to reach them Jacob._

_86. Buy Alice a canary and tell her it matches her car._

_87. Replace Emmett's jeep with a VW Beetle._

_88. Talk like a gangster for three days straight, or any day actually._

"For the last time, it was a bet!" I said.

"Sure it was little sis" Emmett said and snickered.

"What? I lost it to you!"

"That's what she said" Jasper choked out. Edward growled. I sighed.

_89. Turn our house into "Emmett and Jasper's evil liar"_

_90. Get the wolves drunk and take their clothes, especially Leah; she gets really pissed off. _

_91. Play 'Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star' in Edward's piano over and over; we don't care that it's the only song you know Emmett._

_92. Do a staring competition. _

_93. Change your mind every minute to confuse Alice; it's already bad enough she can't see Nessie or Jacob._

"It really does get annoying" Alice said while rubbing her forehead. Jasper kissed her cheek.

Emmett began twitching uncontrollably on his seat, and then fell to the floor. He looked like he was having an epileptic attack.

"Emmett, what the hell?" Rosalie said, looking at her husband with wide eyes.

Emmett got up and laughed. "That's Alice when she can't see something!"

We burst out in laughter, all of use except for Jasper and Alice. Alice sighed.

"It was so not like me!" Alice complained. Emmett smirked and shrugged.

_94. Dress up as a pirate and claim you're Captain Jack Sparrow; we banned Edward from 'Pirates of the Caribbean' last time._

_95. Play Dance, Dance Revolution and complain the game is not fast enough then bet a person you can beat them; that's cheating, humans don't have super speed._

_96. Dress up in a red cape, blue spandex pants and a blue shirt and claim you're the real superman, and then run around town asking people if they need to be saved._

_97. If they say yes don't say: What the hell? Why are you asking me to save you, ask batman!"_

_98. Every time you exit a room, restrain yourself from saying: "To the bat cave!"_

_99. Don't name Edward's Aston Martin the bat mobile just because it's black._

_100. And last but not least: When Jacob walks into a room don't say: Ew, who farted?_

"That should do it" Carlisle said putting the pen down on the table.

"100 things?" Rosalie said. "Isn't that a little too much?"

"Well if you behave yourselves more often we wouldn't have to go through this!" Esme said.

"I don't like the list" Emmett said.

"Me neither" Jasper said.

"Ditto" Said Nessie.

We sighed and got up from the table. Esme grabbed the list and framed it on the wall.

The phone suddenly rang and Emmett yelled "Noooo!"

Carlisle was faster and he grabbed the phone.

"Hello, we're calling from Fed Ex, we have an order of 1,000 lava lamps for Emmett Cullen, and we just wanted to know if it was correct"

"Yes, about that, cancel that order please; I'll make sure to pay for the inconvenience"

"Ok"

Carlisle hung the phone. "1,000 lava lamps?" Carlisle yelled.

Emmett flinched. "I wasted to make a fake Volcano!"

Esme sighed and Rosalie grabbed the pen.

_101. Don't let Emmett shop in EBay, Amazon, or any other online shopping website without supervision._

**_A/N: If i get enough reviews i'll make more, how about 50 or 100 more? lol_**


	2. Chapter 2

**a/n: in the last chapter i forgot to put Bella's POV, it was in bella's pov for people who were confused. **

(Bella POV)

"Wait I have more" Esme said and grabbed the pen again.

"How many more?" I asked.

"A lot" Edward answered for her.

_102. Don't call Carlisle in the middle of the night claiming you have an emergency when you only flicked someone's face._

_103. Never wreck your car on purpose so Rosalie will fix it, so you break it again and make her fix it again._

_104. Don't let Emmett, Jasper, or Alice touch the 100 science experiments for kids' box._

"Why?" Emmett, Jasper and Alice said together.

"Because you almost blew up the house claiming you were going to find the cure for cancer!" Carlisle said. Emmett, Jasper, and Alice mumbled something unintelligible.

_105. Don't hang out fliers that say: Emmett Cullen for President, Jasper Hale for Vice President, Alice Cullen for Secretary of Defense, Bella Cullen for Secretary of State, and Rosalie Hale for First Lady._

_106. Never write a letter to the President claiming you know the secret to Area 51; we don't want another visit from the CIA._

_107. Rosalie is a natural blonde; don't try to prove otherwise, it's not going to work._

_108. Cooking pancakes for the family is pointless; we're not going to eat them, only Jacob._

_109. …Pretending to cry after we don't eat them won't work._

_110. Give coal to everyone claiming they've been really bad all year when it's not even Christmas is stupid._

Edward and Bella snickered. "Alice's expression was hilarious"

Alice pouted. "I was good all year"

"Sure you were Alice" Rosalie said.

"I was"

Jasper coughed. "Not" he said between the coughs. Alice glared at him and then shook her head.

_111. Don't give Nessie a picture of the Loch Ness Monster and claim it's her self portrait._

_112. Nessie does not look like Strawberry Shortcake!_

_113. Never claim Alice is the President of Smurfville. _

_114. Don't bark when you want to talk to Jacob._

_115. Saying 'Awkward silence' every time everything's quiet only makes us annoyed Jacob._

_116. Playing paintball inside the house is forbidden, especially when Alice uses neon pink paint balls._

_117. When you see Emmett, don't scream and yell: OMG a grizzly bear! And the lunge at him._

Nessie snickered. "Poor Uncle Emmett" he patted the top of his head.

Emmett rolled his eyes and pouted. "I don't look like a grizzly bear!" he complained. There was an awkward silence while everyone stared at him.

"Awkward silence!" Jacob coughed. Esme glared at him.

_118. Don't show up at the hospital and claim you are replacing Carlisle for his shift, especially if you haven't been to medical school!_

_119. Doing the Indian dance around Jacob gets him mad._

_120. Bowing down to Jacob chanting "Oh mighty Alpha" while Sam is around only gets Sam mad._

_121. Don't tell Leah to take the chill pill._

"There's a chill pill?" Emmett asked.

Rosalie sighed. "No honey"

"Aw man"

_122. Changing your emotions to suicidal around Jasper will earn us another trip to Volterra, don't do it!_

_123. Don't use Carlisle's stethoscope to play 'doctor'…if you know what I mean._

Rosalie, Alice, and Bella snickered. Carlisle looked at them wide eyed.

"I would expect it from Rosalie, but Alice and Bella!" He said putting his hands on his face.

"There's a lot you don't know about us" Alice and I said at the same time. Carlisle shivered.

_124. Chanting "strip, strip, strip" when Rosalie is taking off her coat won't make her strip!_

_125. Do not put "Dora the Explorer" on the TV and turn on the volume to maximum while singing along to the theme song._

_126. Making puppet shows about our life will only cause a waste of socks._

_127. When someone asks for an anti depressant, don't yell: "Jasper, it's for you!"_

_128. Don't chant: Edward, Edward, Edward, in your head._

_129. …and when he asks what, don't say: Nothing! In a sweet tone._

_130. Do not call random people and make sex noises, we already got sued once!_

"Who did that one?" I asked. I turned to Emmett.

"It wasn't me, hard to believe I know"

I turned to Rosalie.

"Not me"

Alice was whistling and I looked at her.

"I wasn't me, but I got you there didn't I?" she smirked.

Edward coughed. I looked at him and raised an eyebrow. "It was you?" Edward looked away and nodded. I cracked up, as well as everyone else at the table.

_131. Jasper can't say: I feel you, every time you say I'm bored, or annoyed, or any other emotion._

_132. Do not pretend to crawl out of the TV like if you were the girl from the ring, Emmett got freaked out the first time Alice did it._

_133. Never dress Jasper as Rudolph for Christmas, or Rosalie as Mrs. Claus._

"Why not Mrs. Claus?" I asked. Rosalie bit her lip.

"Do you really want to know?"

"Yeah"

"Emmett and I used that custom…"

"Ok, ok, I got it!" Ew, ew, ew, scarred for life.

Rosalie snickered. "You asked"

_134. Do not yell: Weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee, every time you run out of a room._

_135. Don't go up to the neighbors in a pair of boxers asking if they have milk._

_136. When they say they don't, do not wiggle your eyebrows and say: "Want me to give you some milk?"_

"Ew" Alice said frowning. "That is the most disgusting innuendo ever!"

Jasper snickered. "We wanted to see her reaction"

"She almost threw herself on Emmett" Edward added.

"What?" Rosalie hissed. Emmett raised his palms in defeat.

"I didn't do anything I swear, I ran away as soon as she complied"

Rosalie growled and flipped her hair, turning her head away from him.

"Rose please, don't be like that! You know I love you" Emmett pleaded. Rosalie harrumphed and ignored her husband.

_137. Every time you answer the phone do not talk like a flight attendant._

_138. Running in slow motion singing: We are the champions! After you win in gym class is forbidden, you get weird stares._

_139. Do not announce when someone gets up, or when they leave the room don't say: Alice ladies and gentleman, or any other name._

"What do you think?" Esme asked Carlisle.

"Well, maybe we'll come up with some more later, but this will do"

"Woo! Work it baby!" Rosalie whooped from the other side of the room. The song "Sexy Back" played in the background. We turned to look and Emmett was giving Rosalie a strip dance. "Yeah!" Rosalie chanted.

Carlisle and Esme cleared their throats. Alice was gaggin and Jasper was covering her eyes. Edward was covering Nessie's and Jacob had his eyes shut so tight i think it hurt him a bit.

Esme sighed and turned off the music.

"Hey!" Rosalie complained and pouted. Emmett grinned.

Edward shook his head and Alice grabbed the pen.

_140. Don't give your respective other a lap dance in front of the family for forgiveness._


	3. Chapter 3

**A/N: So sorry I took this long. My computer got screwed up so I had to format it and I lost everything. I'm officially a junior now, and i have so much homework it's overwhelming but I managed to do some during my free time. I'll upload more though. Promise.**

Bella POV

"Again?" Emmett harrumphed and sat down in one of the chairs around the dining room table; only Nessie and Jacob got to use this table to actually eat on it, but now our behavior was supposedly reckless, therefore we had been forced to several sessions of what we are not allowed to do.

"Yes again" Carlisle assured. "And it'll continue this way until we get out point across"

"140 is enough" Rosalie complained.

"No, it's not" Esme commented, sitting next to Carlisle. "Now everyone be quiet and don't complain"

_141. Do not sign Leah up for _

_142. Adding the phrase "uh huuuh" after the end of every sentence is completely annoying._

"Darn flabbit" Emmett said. Rosalie turned to look at him with a "you-have-got-to-be-kidding-me-look" on her face. Emmett shruged. "It annoyed Edward"

"Whatever you say hon"

_143. Acting out the musical "Rocky Horror Picture Show" only annoys the neighbors, as well as any other musical for that matter; ESPECIALLY high school musical._

_144. Alice is not your fairy god mother neither will she turn a pumpkin into a limosine. _

_145. Do not sign up for "Big Brother", "True Life", or "Wife Swap"...especially wife swap!_

_146. Emmett, la la land doens't exist; it's a song, and Alice is definitely not the president._

_147. Whistling to Jacob and calling him 'come here doggy doggy' and the petting his head will make him shift out of anger._

_148. Vampires can't get a tan, don't try to prove it otherwise._

_149. Putting a 20 letter plus number password with an electronical device with voice recognition on the door of your room does not give you more privacy._

"How did you find out about that?" Alice complained. I pressed my lips together although I knew that guilt was going to be evident on my face. Alice glared at me. "Bella!"

"Hey!" I said. "You were torturing my daughter"

"I so wasn't I was giving her a makeover"

"She kept calling for me and Edward" Edward nodded agreeing with what I said. "Besides, I only told Edward, he was the one that went to tell Carlisle and Esme".

Edward's eyes widened. "Bella!" He complained.

"Oops" I said smirking.

"I. Hate. You" Alice said slowly.

"Love you too sis" Edward snickered.

_150. Do not play eenie, meenie, miny, moe to decide who will bat first when we play baseball._

_151. Trying to throw Alice a surprise party is pointless...especially when she tells you she knows already._

_152. Replacing Alice's porsche for Toyota Corolla and claiming that Esme hates her car and decided to change it and made Jacob smash it will get all three of them in a really bad mood._

_153. Emmett, do not burst out singing: "You Belong With Me" by Taylor Swift while everyone is watching TV._

Rosalie immediately grabbed the pen from Carlisle's hand.

_... And don't sing it in front of Rosalie. Or just, don't sing..at all...please._

We all snickered and Rosalie handed back the pen to Carlisle.

_154. Doing a countdown from January 1st to December 31'st is forbidden, especially when Jasper yells: 345 days till new year!!!_

_155. Humming the Pink Panther's theme song when Bella walks into a room is pointless._

_156. Do not pretend you're 007 and talk in a British accent, and DO NOT buy a gun._

_157. Painting yourself in red and standing in front of Jasper saying: "Look Jazz! I'm bleeding" will only make Jasper mad and you'll end up without a body part._

_158. Don't deattach our body to make a "vampire vasectomy"_

Nessie giggled histerically. "Oh God, that was hilarious". Emmett rubbed his shoulder.

"I swear it still hurts" he sniffed. Rosalie rubbed his back soothingly. Nessie was already on the floor laughing.

"Renesmee Carlie Cullen Swan!" I called. She immediately got up in shock. "Apologize to your uncle...NOW!"

"Sorry Uncle Emmett" She looked down and the pout in her face was almost irresistable.

"Of course I forgive you Nessie" Emmett smiled and moved to hug her. Renesmee started laughing again.

"YEAH RIGHT!"

Edward and I sighed at the same time. "We raised her wrong didn't we?" I sighed again and nodded.

_159. Singing the Two And A Half Men theme song is not allowed, especially when Rosalie, Alice, and Bella sing it._

_160. When Rosalie bends over to grab something don't yell "MY EYES ARE BURNING MAKE IT STOP!". Jacob._

_161. Sabotaging Renesmee's homework so her elevens look like a penis and her eights look like butts is stupid._

Rosalie started laughing non-stop.

"I knew it was her" Nessie mumbled. Rosalie smirked.

"I can't believe you didn't know it was me" I felt the urge to laugh but I kept it to myself, trying not to make Nessie upset.

"The teacher send me to a psychologist!"

To my surprise, out of all people, Edward burst out laughing and I couldn't help it; I joined in.

"Priceless" Emmett high fived Rosalie and grinned.

_162. Do not laugh at Renesmee's disgrace...or any other one of our disgraces._

_163. The Fiddler In the Roof is the most annoying movie ever,_

_164. Don't say: "My tummy is growling" when you're thirsty._

_165. __Do not mix all the languages you know and make them into one, example: Ich t'ame so mucho._

_**A/N: (I= Ich -german-....t'ame: love you...so: DUH!!!!!...mucho: a lot...Yes I speak spanish, english, a little German, and I know t'ame cause my mom speaks french)**_


	4. Chapter 4

_166. Pushing Jacob onto Rosalie will make Rosalie want to rip Jake's head off._

_167. Don't try to bottle our scent to make the most expensive and best smelling perfume in the world._

_168. Do not turn our life into a musical._

_169. Don't talk in riddles all day long._

_170. Don't sign Leah up for e harmony._

Jasper and I started cracking up. It had been Jasper's idea in the first place but I joined in...I don't know exactly why though.

"Enough!" Esme said. "Leah was very upset"

"Upset?" Rosalie said. "She blamed it on me!"

Jacob cracked up and pointed at her. "That's because....i told her....about it!"

Rosalie growled at Jacob.

_171. Do not sing the hamster song over and over in your head when Edward is around. That was very mean Rosalie, Emmett, Jasper, Alice, and Jacob!_

Everyone busted out laughing, except for me that rubbed Edward's back soothingly.

"It's OK hon" I said. He half smiled.

"I had it on my head for one month! ONE MONTH!" Edward yelled.

Everyone laughed again. I shook my head.

"You have to admit...Edward's face was hilarious!" Emmett said, and I couldn't help but agree with him.

_171. Don't try to analyze every person of our family as a therapist, especially when you say: Rosalie- Typical center of the universe complex._

_172. Don't talk like Stephen from "The Vampire Diaries"._

_173. Don't make a diary like in "The Vampire Diaries"_

_174. Posing with animal blood on your lips to make a new cover for "True Blood" wont work._

"Darn" Rosalie complained. "But I looked better than that woman in the cover"

"Hell yeah!" Emmett whooped.

Esme glared and everyone shut up, keeping any comment they were going to say to themselves.

_175. Bella, Alice, Rosalie, and Esme are not the "Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants"_

_176. When in jail, do not persuade the police man to let you in Charlies office._

_177. Don't pinch the person's neck nerve to see if they'll pass out, and then hit them on the shoulder when they don't._

"Hey!" Emmett said. "That worked perfectly with Newton the other day Nessie saw him"

"You pinched Mike Newton's shoulder?" I gasped at my daughter. Nessie just smirked and nodded.

"What are we going to do with you?" Edward groaned.

_178. Don't attempt to reenact 007 scenes Emmett._

_179. Trying to reenact the songs in "Glee" is not funny, especially when you involve the werewolves, they have terrible coordination._

_180. Throwing things at people that look like Toby McGuire will not help you proving that Spider Man exists._

_181. I AM NOT A SEX ADDICT! -sign Emmett_

_182. Do not write on our list if you're not given permission by Carlisle or Esme, thereby, making number 182 null and void._

_183. Remarked is only used in old books, don't use it in every day language._

_184. Don't send Jasper on a date with Miley Cyrus, he freaked out._

_185. Or Bella with one of the Jonas Brothers._

"Wow" Rosalie commented. "What did Miley Cyrus ever do to you Jasper?"

"I don't want to talk about it!" Jasper shrieked and hid behind Alice. Alice sighed and kissed his forehead.

"Don't upset Jasper, it was a bad experience for him"

_186. Do not shave the guys legs when you want something, meaning werewolves, since vampire hair can't grow back._

_187. When enrolled in a new school, it is absolutely forbidden to tell a substitute teacher a fake name, especially when you go with "Slim Shady" or "Pepe Juarez" _

Alice and Emmett burst out in laughter and high fived. "The Pepe was priceless, especially because she kept calling Emmett that"

"Your kidding, Slim Shady was genious!" Emmett commented.

"Ugh" Rosalie cut in, rolling her eyes. "She kept calling me Slimmy for the rest of the day!"

I couldn't help it, and I burst out in laughter. Rosalie glared at me, making me shut up. Edward kept laughing though.

"What's so funny?"

"Slimmy!" Edward laughed more. "Say hello to your new nickname Rosalie"

_188. Don't call Rosalie Slimmy._

"Damn it!"

"HA!"

_189. Do not use to automatic correction in Office Word so when someone types Rosalie it changes it to: "Queen of the dammed" or "She who must not me named"_

"So?" Carlisle said. "Will this do?"

"I think so" Esme smiled. "189 is a lot"

"Maybe more than needed" Emmett mumbled.

Before Esme had time to reply, we heard an unfamiliar car pull over at the drive.

"That sounds like a....Land Rover" Rosalie raised an eyebrow.

3 knocks hit the door, Carlisle got up and walked towards it. We all watched intently as he opened it, behind it were 2 men with really scared looks in their faces. They looked at Emmett and Rosalie and their eyes widened.

"Yes, how can I help you?" Carlisle asked, very confused.

One of the men cleared his throat. "Yeah, were here for the deal that Mr. Pepe Juarez and Mrs. Regina Falange from the FBI offered".

Carlisle narrowed his eyes. "What deal?"

"You know, the one were we don't get killed if we agree a life time of servitude"

Carlisle sighed and closed the door in the men's faces. He patiently walked forward and Rosalie and Emmett began to back out of the room silently. "Halt!" Carlisle said. "I'll have a talk with you two later" He glared at them and gave Esme the pen.

_190. Do not go to people's houses dressed as the FBI, using fake names, and claim to trade their lives with a life time of servitude._

"For one second, I thought it was gonna work" Emmett said.

"So did I babe, so did I".

**A/N: I wanna give credit to _firemooncat AND tiffer285 _for some ideas on this.**

**WHAT DO YOU SAY? MORE? YES NO...**


End file.
